Projection

 Despite it being a recurring figure in our lives, few of us know of and understand projection. Some of us are guilty of doing it and many of us have been on the receiving end. In simple terms, projection is a common defence mechanism used, usually subconsciously, to deflect from feeling uncomfortable emotions. It’s when a person assigns an unwanted feeling or emotion onto another person instead of taking responsibility for it themselves. Imagine someone is verbally attacking you and pointing their finger at you saying “YOU are the problem, YOU are always being so difficult” when in reality that finger should be pointing inward at the person speaking. The reason behind the seemingly undeserved attack is usually because said person is experiencing a negative emotion but doesn’t want to address it. Therefore, the easiest route is to take it out on the person nearest to them.

It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to be fully accountable for one’s feelings. The British idyl of the “stiff upper lip” has resulted in many of us considering emotions to be a hinderance, something to be ignored. Classically, intense emotions are designated to those from Latin countries, making it easy to cast them aside as not part of English culture. The “keep calm and carry on” attitude has been attributed to British success throughout the ages. However, with only a cursory glance at the poetry of Wilfred Owen, for example, it could easily be argued that this attitude was more of a weakness than a strength. Therefore, when you come from a family dynamic and wider culture that projects rather than reflects, you have a higher chance of carrying this into your own dealings with your emotions.

As much as we love our parents, they can get it wrong in many ways. Projecting is perhaps one of the most damaging and confusing examples. If as a child, or even as an adult, you’ve been assigned a negative characteristic by a parent such as saying you’re perhaps “cold hearted”, “incapable”, “putting on too much weight” etc. often that’s because they were holding onto a negative emotion. It could also be because they have a deep-rooted insecurity or even because it’s how they actually viewed themselves but didn’t have the emotional maturity to reflect and handle those difficult feelings. Children are constantly developing their sense of self so consistent projections can be detrimental. They can seep into your core beliefs and alter the way we view ourselves. As a result, the “cold hearted” child (who was most likely the opposite of that) believes that he or she is that way and carries that constructed belief into adulthood.

Projection also frequently occurs in relationships. Vulnerability is a main trigger for negative emotions, and you are at your most vulnerable when in a relationship. An example of projection in a relationship is someone being repeatedly accused of cheating. This doesn’t mean that the accuser is cheating, it could be a mask for something else, another negative emotion related to infidelity which is rearing its head in the relationship context. It could even be that cheating itself is not be the root cause of the accusations, but rather an issue with trust more broadly. This can be deeply distressing for the accused person and cause a huge rift in the relationship. Projections don’t always have to be intense accusations like cheating, they can be found in smaller, regular comments like “you’re so impatient” or “you always try to ruin everything”. Although these are more subtle examples, they can still be harmful to a person’s image and self-confidence.

The workplace is another place where projection is rife. Thanks to the power dynamics at play in the workplace, it’s perhaps one of the most confusing places for it to take place. At work, we are particularly susceptible to projections from authority figures. Therefore, it is more likely for these comments to land, damaging your sense of self and confidence overall. On the flip side, if you find yourself constantly negatively talking about your colleagues then it’s likely you are projecting onto them. Labelling people negatively without at least trying to look within and think “why do I feel this way?” is a perfect way of concealing your own emotional struggles and passing them on. Sometimes simply taking one minute to breathe and think “is everyone incapable and annoying or am I just stressed and taking it out on everyone else?”. There are so many questions we could be asking ourselves which would involve hurting less people around us.

Defence mechanisms are incredibly smart ways of keeping our deepest, darkest emotions safe from ever being discovered. Picture your biggest fear or belief hidden away in a box (you may not even know what it is because of how well you have hidden it) in the middle of a maze. Defence mechanisms make the maze even more complex and the possibility to face this fear or belief more challenging. Unlocking and facing the content of the box is one of the most valuable steps in finding inner peace and maintaining healthy relationships.

A lot of the time when we project it comes from deep within our subconscious which makes it difficult to pause and reflect. However, we should all try to take as much responsibility for our mental health as possible and avoid it impacting those we care about. Awareness of others projecting their emotions onto you is also a valuable tool. Building that resilience can empower you and stop others chipping away at your unique and wonderful sense of self. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is shouting at you or accusing you of being a certain way, an easy tool is to picture them pointing at themselves and talking at themselves. Everyone could benefit from reflecting and asking themselves more questions, it’s good to be curious about our mental health and emotions. We all have a story; we all have our triggers, and we all have space to grow. Being comfortable with who you are and knowing your body and emotions, in my eyes, would be one of the greatest gifts for yourself and those around you. One of the first steps, like with anything, is being curious.

Thank you Gen for helping me with this piece :)