Quick wins

Here are some initial tools to help you cope:

 

You may have heard this one before but talking is the best medicine

Therapy, counselling or getting a mentor/ coach can do wonders. I kept my abuse secret for 10 years and the day I finally told my therapist what had happened my OCD virtually disappeared and my anxiety levels also went down drastically. Please feel free to get in touch for any recommendations. Also speaking to your friends or family; it may seem unnatural but people are more receptive and caring than you think, even if they may not get it right the first time. Warning: family members may have more volatile reactions for a number of reasons so I would recommend speaking to a professional or friends (or me!) first as adverse reactions can be traumatising.

Understanding the difference between internal and external happiness

For most of my life, I have depended on others and external events in order to feel happy and fulfilled. This meant that I had no control over my happiness or emotions because I depended on things that I could not control. I’ve now started to make the shift from external to internal, meaning that as long as I am happy with myself, who I am and what I do, then external factors can’t touch me. It’s a process so again feel free to get in touch to understand more!

If you feel overwhelmed, breath is your friend

It may sound very simple but it is very effective. If you’ve never tried breathwork, I would encourage you to do so. Plenty of videos can be found online, where you can choose what works best for you. I personally take ten deep breaths in through the nose (breathing through your belly then your chest) and then out from the mouth. Then on the tenth breath, I hold it in for as long as I can and then exhale. I often feel a nice headrush and a sense of calm. Practising mindfulness gives me space between my thoughts and my feelings, ever reminding me that whatever it is that I am thinking and feeling isn’t true right now.

My latest discovery: Boundaries

I grew up with virtually no boundaries which meant two things:

  1. I didn’t respect other people’s boundaries 

  2. I let people disrespect mine

A useful analogy is to keep your side of the street clean, even if your neighbour’s is a tip. That is, if you adhere to your boundaries, respect them and keep at them, you and your life will feel much more at peace than those who don’t. Consequently, you will gradually learn to love yourself more. Remember: It’s ok to say no!

Understanding and nurturing those uncomfortable feelings

Have you ever shouted at someone you loved for something minimal?
Have you ever completely overreacted to something small?
Have you ever had too much to drink despite not wanting to?
Have you ever used someone in order to not feel lonely?
We’re all very good at avoiding those uncomfortable feelings. They best way to grow and get over them is to face them with love and affection. The important questions is: Why? When in my life did I feel this level of sadness or anger? Once you can trace that emotion back it’s important to differentiate the present with the past and not carry and project your past onto others.

I have learnt a lot of these tools from Lian, my wonderful therapist.